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If in doubt, write a kids book!

Are you a has-been celebrity worried that your fifteen minutes of fame are up? Are you an up-and-comer who just wants to 'grow your brand'? Are you struggling to cover the cost of a spiralling cocaine habit? Have you already tried releasing an album of fifties covers? If the answer to one or more of these questions is yes, why not write a kids' book?

Someone will help you write it if you struggle with writing, which you probably do, as you were at stage school from age 5. Publishers will love it as they know that lazy parents will know your name, so you will sell millions. You will probably get it adapted into a TV show at Christmas too, if so... kerching!

Don't worry too much about the story. Make it about princesses or dinosaurs, and the kids will eat it up. Teachers will try to direct children elsewhere, to better books from better authors than you, but they will just be swimming against the tide. Luckily, the tide in question is next to a sewage outlet, so the smell will overcome them and they will have no choice but to stock school libraries with your creations. 

I would say write about what you know, but the poisonous world you live in would probably traumatise them. If you have them, you could consider monetising your own children by including them in your book. Or your pets, anything to make it easier for you and avoid having to think. Get a proper illustrator to do the pictures, though, as your crayon drawings probably won't help with sales.

Last, but not least, if you are worried that due to a past indiscretion, you are about to be cancelled, get something out there quickly, as your reputation will definitely be enhanced by adding the term author to your Wikipedia page. "Author X was arrested today" sounds much better than "Ex-TV star", doesn't it!

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